


Dream Big

by rameau



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-23
Updated: 2012-09-23
Packaged: 2017-11-14 21:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/519460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rameau/pseuds/rameau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur’s father told him to dream big, but Merlin is the one who sees their future together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream Big

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to bookjunkie1975 for the beta.

Merlin watched Arthur finish his pint, get up, throw his coat on, and say his goodbyes, again. It was the third time this month, but he did it so graciously that neither Morgana nor Gwen realised anything. 

Morgana got up to walk Arthur to the door and say whatever there was to say about Uther and his brand of paternal annoyance this week, while Gwen swirled the dregs of her fruity drink. 

“What happened?” she asked suddenly. 

Surprised as he was, he never considered denying something had happened. “A kiss.” 

“And why aren’t you two joined at the hip and disgustingly happy?”

“Because I stopped it from going any further.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I had to go home and break up with Leon first.” Merlin ducked his head. 

Gwen’s eyebrows rose. “That was two months ago, what’s stopping you now?”

Merlin swallowed, but not his drink. Beer tasted foul on a good day, but much more so when remembering the rejection. “The next time I saw him I was ready to jump him and drag him into bed, but he apologised. Arthur wouldn’t do anything as improper as apologise for the kiss itself, but he did apologise for risking my relationship with my boyfriend and our friendship.”

“He tricked you into agreeing with him.” 

“No. I’d rather keep him as a friend too.”

“Rather than?”

“Rather than not have him in my life at all.”

“Merlin,” Gwen put down her glass and leaned over the sofa table. “Arthur is a master at keeping people out, he learned that from Uther. You need to fix this before it’s too late.” 

“How do I do that?” 

“Show him.”

[] [√] [] 

“Merlin? What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.” Merlin pushed past the doorway and into Arthur’s tiny apartment. As much as he earned working for his father, Arthur spent very little of it on making the place his home. According to his own words, all he needed was a bed and a place to hang his clothes, why should he look for a place bigger than his father’s closet for that. 

The door locked with a snap behind him. Merlin willed Arthur to say something, but of course he didn’t. 

“I can’t lie anymore,” Merlin said.

“Excuse me?”

“What I said, wanting to preserve our friendship, I meant it, but I lied when I said that’s all I wanted. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to pretend that all we ever were or that all we ever can be is friends, because that’s not how I feel about you.”

“Merlin, don’t.”

“I love you, or I could if you’d let me.”

Arthur stood absolutely still for a moment. 

“You did always dream big,” he whispered so quietly Merlin had to tell himself he hadn’t imagined it. 

“What?”

Arthur surprised him with an embrace then. “I said, you did always dream big. The problem is that you don’t know how to be happy with what you already have. You don’t remember what it was like, and I don’t blame you.”

“What?” Merlin pulled back and looked at Arthur like he was speaking in an another language to him, which was feasible all things considered. 

“It should have been you,” Arthur said, “It should have been you who remembered this, not me. Every time we meet again, every time we become friends, every time we kiss and fall in love, every time I tell you I lose you the next day. Merlin, I don’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to lose you then, and I don’t want to lose you now, not ever again. I can’t.” 

“Arthur, what are you talking about.”

“I’ll die if I lose you, literally.”

“Arthur?” There was genuine alarm in Merlin’s voice. Arthur wasn’t the type to threaten suicide, but Merlin could tell he was being honest. Arthur really believed he’d die.

Arthur’s hands came to rest around Merlin’s neck and his thumbs played with the hollow of his throat. 

“Forget it. If tonight is all I’m going to have, I’m not going to waste it by explaining a legend.” Arthur kissed Merlin with all the hunger he’d hidden the last time they’d kissed.

[] [√] [] 

Arthur woke up to the most beautiful sight in the world: Merlin looking down at him with a smile. For a short moment he could pretend and forget everything else. They were here and they were together, and it was all that ever mattered.

Then Merlin opened his mouth and said: “Good morning, Sire.”

Arthur grunted and pulled the pillow over his head. 

It was a good day to die, but it would have been a better day to live. 

Arthur watched Merlin as he took up his old task to dress his king in his armour. There were new lines on his face and grey in his hair, but those eyes and that mouth were still the same ones Arthur had dreamed of for decades. 

What was said that day didn’t matter, but Arthur found himself hoping he’d have more time to do all the things he wanted to do. He wanted to hold Merlin’s hand in his, he wanted to run his fingers through that mottled dark hair, and he wanted to finally lay his lips on the other man’s mouth. Arthur just didn’t want to have to look Merlin walk into a magical trap and collapse unconscious to the ground to do it. 

Arthur had Merlin carried into his tent and into his bed. He waited as the young healer and apprentice sorcerer tried to wake the sleeping man, and he waited while the others combed the field for more such traps. 

Arthur didn’t wait when he was left alone in the tent. He fell on his knees next to the bed and prayed to every god and goddess he’d known. He tried to cry when his prayers went unaswered but could only grimace in pain. 

“I always knew,” he said. “I knew what you were and why you had to hide it. I knew and I understood, but I also hated that you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me yourself. That’s half the reason why I was so horrible to you over the years. I wanted you to tell me and if nothing else, I wanted to coerce you into using your magic against me and reveal yourself. I always knew it was a vain effort and that you’d never-“ Arthur’s voice faded.

He threaded his fingers with Merlin’s and brought the knuckles to his lips. “The other reason was I loved you too much. I loved you and I could do nothing about it. I wanted you more than I wanted anything in my life, but I also knew I’d give up everything else for you. I’d have given up Camelot and its people, I’d have given up Gwen and my own honour for you. I would have lost myself for you. So, I pretended and lost myself anyway. I just wish I’d told you before-“

“Sire, the field is clear and the battle awaits.”

“Thank you, Bedivere. I just need a moment.”

“Of course, Sire.” The man left the tent as abruptly as he’d entered it. 

Arthur got up and leaned over the sleeping man. “As much as I want you out there beside me, I’m glad you’ll be out of harm’s way, for once. I’d keep you safe, my love.”

Arthur kissed Merlin, and pulled back to find the blue eyes open and searching.

“Arthur.”

“You’re awake, thank the gods.”

“What happened?”

“You walked into a some kind of magical trap. You’ve been unconscious for hours, the battle is about to start.” 

“Arthur.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t go.”

“I have to face Mordred, even if it weren’t about Camelot and Gwen, I’d have to face him for myself.”

Merlin closed his eyes and Arthur felt a part of him die as it always did. He didn’t see the blow coming.

“After the battle, I’ll leave Camelot,” Merlin said. 

“What?” Arthur staggered back. Merlin slowly pushed himself up and into a sitting position while his king recovered, somewhat. “Am I that terrible a king?”

“No. You’re a great king.” Merlin didn’t need to raise his voice. “But I love you too much to stay; I won’t be able to watch you go on from afar anymore.” 

“Merlin, I-“

“I love you, Arthur, I always have. I would have died for you-”

“No, don’t say that. Merlin, don’t you ever say that.”

“It’s the truth. I didn’t want to tell you and distract you from the battle, but the thought of you never knowing, it tore me apart.” 

“What are you saying?” Arthur asked.

“It wasn’t a trap, it was my own incompetence. I imploded from all the secrets I resolved to keep the day I chose to protect you with my magic.”

“You should have told me.”

“Would it have made your sacrifice easier?”

“No, Merlin, but I never wanted you to suffer the way I have.”

“I didn’t suffer. I, just… loved you.” 

Arthur took a deep breath, then another. He wanted to cast aside his armour—both of steel and of duty—and hold the other man. So he did. As soon as his breastplate fell to the ground, Arthur had pulled Merlin on his feet and into his embrace. 

“Maybe it’s not too late, maybe we can still have it all.”

Merlin shook in his arms. “No, I’m afraid it is too late for us in this lifetime. But Arthur, we’ll have others. We’ll have countless lives and other opportunities, and most of them we’ll make work. We’ll be together.”

“Don’t curse us. I’d rather have you happy forever with someone else than unhappy me.” 

“Now who is cursing us.”

Arthur held Merlin tighter. “I have to go.” 

“I know.”

Arthur stole one last kiss to remember Merlin by and when Mordred’s last strike came, it clung to Arthur’s soul as the life trickled out of his body.

[] [√] [] 

Merlin laid the handpicked flowers on the grave.

He thought of all the times he’d wanted to ask Arthur to share that memory with him again. He’d always have to remind himself that he didn’t need to live in the past to live his life anymore. 

There’d always been a reason why Merlin hadn’t remembered like Arthur did. 

Merlin had seen their futures, all of them, and he had believed in them. Knowing that there was a happily ever after for them had been enough for him. He hadn’t need to remember the years apart to know he and Arthur were meant to be and would always be. He hadn’t needed to remember the pain to know what happiness was.

But he did know pain.

Uther had told him in an apology how he’d taught Arthur to dream big, to reach for the stars, but to always be happy and content with what he had. Uther had thought he was teaching his son to always try to do his best but not let the failures crush him. That there was value in compromise. He’d never thought Arthur would take it to mean that sometimes, when the cost of fighting for what he wanted could be too high, it was better to settle. 

Merlin had blamed him then. They had been standing outside Arthur’s hospital room as the doctors had fought a losing battle to save his life. Merlin hadn’t blamed Uther for raising a son who would step in front of a lorry to save a child’s runaway pet, but he had blamed Uther for teaching his son—however unwittingly—to settle. 

Arthur had been conscious long enough to say his goodbyes before he’d flatlined. 

“Merlin.”

“I’m just reminding myself that he loved you, too.” 

“Thank you.” 

Merlin looked at the old man standing a few steps away. There was grey in his hair and deep lines on his face. There was sorrow in those marks. Merlin stepped away from the grave and went to him. He walked around and took Arthur’s right hand letting him lean on the cane with his left. Merlin was thankful it wasn’t a bad enough day for a wheelchair. 

“Come. Morgana and Gwen are waiting by the car. She lost a father too and I’m in the mood to share you with your sister.” Arthur squeezed Merlin’s hand in a silent thank you.

The doctor’s had resuscitated Arthur, but they hadn’t been able to fix his hip and leg completely. Merlin didn’t care as long there was a man to wake up next to each morning even if said man preferred to bury them both under the covers when they were already late for work.


End file.
